Sittin’ out here on the hood of this truck lookin’ up
At a caramel colored sunset sky
Checking my watch, doin’ the math in my head
Countin’ backwards to when you said goodbye
With those runway lights are gettin’ brighter

I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes
Take off and fly
Tryin’ to figure out which one you might be on
And why you don’t love me anymore
Right now, I’m sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes

I would’ve lied, could’ve cried
Should’ve tried harder
Done anything to make you stay
I wonder what you’d do if you looked out your window
And saw me runnin’ down the runway just like I was crazy
But that fence is too high
So am I

So, I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes
Take off and fly
Tryin’ to figure out which one you might be on
And why you don’t love me anymore

By now, I know you’re thirty-thousand feet above me
But a million miles away, a million miles away
By now, I know how to act like you don’t love me

But I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes
Take off and fly
And I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes
Take off and fly
Tryin’ to figure out which one you might be on
And why you don’t love me anymore

Yeah, I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes go by, by, by
I’m just sittin’ out here watchin’ airplanes, baby bye, bye

-Gary Allan-

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Something about this song just sits so well with me. I love the whole idea of just escaping – of just sitting and doing nothing while your world falls apart around you. 

I often find myself in just this situation. Whether it’s driving aimlessly down the highway or sitting on a mountain somewhere just staring, it’s so nice to do nothing and just let life happen. 

It’s taken a long time, but I have finally learned that, more often than not, the best thing to do when I don’t know what to do is to just be still.

So, today, I’m off to find an airstrip. I’m pretty sure today is a good day to watch airplanes…

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time

All the time…
All the time…

-Radiohead-

**************************************************

Ok, first things first – Radiohead is an awesome band. I got the pleasure of seeing them many years ago at this tiny little nightclub here in town before they were so well-known. A friend of mine begged me to check out this band he had heard was coming into town (not Radiohead) and they (Radiohead) happened to be the opening act. Needless to say, they blew the main act out of the water (IMO).

I fell in love. That’s all there is to it. 

I guess, technically, that was the first time I ever heard this song. But it was far from the last.

As soon as I could get my hands on that CD it went on permanent rotation in my player. I had always loved the song, but it wasn’t until I was married (and consequently seperated) that the truth of the song hit home. 

I lived with the ex for years before we were married, and not quite that long after we said our vows. He was is a great man. He just has his issues (we all do, though… right?). He lives in a world that has no spontaneity, no passion. Everything he does is for show. He goes through the motions of living, instead of actually doing it. Our entire marriage was built around words – not actions. 

He always told me he loved me. He always said he wanted me there. But never once did he show me. 

To the outside world, we were the perfect couple. We had a nice house, a cool dog, good jobs, and everything we could ever want. We hosted dinner parties and had cookouts. We spent time together and looked good doing it. 

But that was it.

Once the door closed and we were alone it was over. We never talked, we weren’€™t really friends (we got along, but we knew nothing about each other), and we were both only going through the motions of being married. We had no substance. 

Looking back, I honestly have no idea how we got to where we were. I don’€™t know if we were so busy trying to be what we thought we should be that we lost who we really were. Maybe we should have spent more time nurturing our hearts instead of our images we would have been ok. Who knows?

Anyway, this song really hits home with me – especially this part:

“€œShe looks like the real thing

She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time”€

I’€™m pretty sure that on the night I left I inadvertently quoted that (or something very similar) to him.

Maybe the next time I get a chance at love I will be more aware before it gets so far gone…

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we’ll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don’t mind

Put your elbows on the table
I’ll listen long as I am able
There’s nowhere I’d rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke’s on me

We’ve seen the landfill rainbow
We’ve seen the junkyard of love
Baby it’s no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear

-Over the Rhine-

*******************************

I first heard this song at a friend’s house about two years ago. I was in the midst of a seperation from my relatively new marriage, and things in my world were pretty much upside down.

Those days, all I seemed to do was cry or complain. Sometimes I even did both at once. I was just not a fun person to be around. 

I’ve always been the class clown… always been the one people turn to for cheering up. I had no idea to how to deal with myself, and my friends were at a total loss as well. 

What do you say to someone when a perpetual smile disappears from her face? How to you remind someone that life hasn’t always been heartache and loss? Are there words that tell her that this “too shall pass” without sounding cliche?

I certainly didn’t think so.

Thank God for the wisdom of friends. 

My friend sat me down and simply said “Listen.” 

I can’t begin to tell you how this song touched me. I felt less alone. I felt less insane. I felt like someone else knew my heart, my history, my story and was singing it back to me.

It’s so true, too. I was born to laugh. I was born to love. I was born to be happy.

These lyrics reminded me of all that. They reminded me of all the times in the past I had laughed  my way out of pain, giggled my fears away, and chuckled when life really shouldn’t have been funny. They reminded me (and still do every time I hear them) that my entire being has always been about joy and passion and love… not the anger and sadness and sense of failure I had been nurturing.

I don’t know where I would have wound up had it not been for that friend and her cd player. But I do know this… thanks to her and these words I won’t be heading down that road again…